English Pub Morocco

I’m typing this at a blue, plastic colored table (second picture above) at the Restaurant Ibtissam in Agadir, Morocco. Someone knife me and take my laptop- I dare you. I am travelling alone, so I shouldn’t be too hard to get. If there is a hint of bitterness in my voice, it is because I had a little Moroccan tourist greeting.

Oh, there goes the muezzin- it is calming to me- like listening to recordings of humpback whales singing underwater on their way to Hawaii.

Last night I made the mistake of going to English Pub (20 Aout street). It had been a long night- I had been on a mission to find the internet, and had spent about four hours catching up on emails at the Ramada where I sat in the lobby undisturbed. It seemed like at ten o’clock, as I was leaving, my options for food might be limited, so I went to the English Pub across the street.

The place was packed with Europeans and some leather- jacketed locals. If you walk in there, you are immediately assaulted with karaoke- the place advertises karaoke every night- and that is not a good thing. The novelty of American music sung by French tourists and local Moroccan divas had worn off before my beer arrived (see first picture).

I ordered fish and chips- and I am always mildly impressed with fish and chips British style where they deep fry an entire fillet instead of the American fish-nugget interpretation; the presentation is just that much better. In short, the food was expensive and bland, the atmosphere felt seedy and the fact that I was there seemed enough to make me an enemy of the Moroccan people.

The opening bars of “Hotel California” came on. A thickly accented version of the song ensued. I had never paid much attention to the lyrics, but they became something new and transmogrified with the combined effect of the man singing and the television screens displaying and highlighting each word.

“Welcome to de hotel Calee-forn-eea….Pletee ah room….Muhr-seedys-benz,” and the insinuation of, “Wakey you up in de middle of de night..”
I only had one beer but the place had shoved me roughly into an introverted state:
“ Maybe I should stop drinking while in Morocco, it’s the place to do it…eat healthy and cheaply too.”
And reflecting deeply on international affairs:
“This is why the Muslim world hates the west.
“How would I like it if I were one of the locals working there?”

Until outside on the street:

“Sleep with me!”
A soft arm grabbed me around the waist. She was not unattractive, a little chubby for my taste, but I heard that prostitution is illegal here, and besides, I have standards, ‘I’m not into that,’ et cetera, et cetera.
“No. I have to go.”
“Takee to bed! Pleese!” She had brown smiling eyes. She seemed intelligent, not really dressed like a prostitute, but maybe they have to be covert here?
I extricated myself and walked away.
“Hey.”
Two Moroccan men were approaching me. They were slender in the way that lifelong smokers are sometimes slender.
“You furs time een Morocco?” I nodded.
“Let me see yur bagh.” I was taken off guard by this. But I loosened a strap from my bright orange backpack and let him see it.
“There you go.” He zipped it closed. It became apparent that I had almost lost my computer.
“Welcome to Morocco.” I tried to stammer Merci, but was still stunned, and awkwardly said another ‘Merci’ and quickly hailed a cab.

TIPS:
-Don’t go to touristy pubs in Morocco
-If you go to touristy pubs in Morocco, don’t have your laptop in a backpack
-If you have your laptop in a backpack, carry the bag, don’t wear it
-If you wear a backpack on your back , don’t talk to anyone
EXPLANATION of STRATEGY:

What’s that you say? Why did I bring a laptop at all? Well, it is a small and relatively inexpensive netbook, and I am prepared to possibly lose it, but I am trying to avoid that. As far as internet cafes, I was in Paris five years ago typing an email to my little sister, and the Nigerian next to me had a porn clip on a loop and was beginning to pant a little. I can do it, but I don’t have to yet. So go to hell.

QUESTIONS FOR YOU:

So I am sitting at this restaurant and looking at a menu and I am seeing words like:
-osso-bucco
-escalope
-tagine
Does anyone recommend any of these things? Let me know. Thanks for chatting.